Writing is Not My Life

That title was hard to write. Equally hard to admit. Exponentially harder to accept. I wish it was otherwise, and continue to work toward a time when it will be. That time is, unfortunately, not now.

The cold truth of it hit me as I drove from one plant to the other for a meeting at the dayjob. I think a lot while I’m behind the wheel, and I was going over the Mental List of Things Requiring Attention once I punch out for the day. The list is a bit crowded, exacerbated by the fact we’re heading out of town tomorrow for our first camping weekend. Not one writing related thing made the Priority List for tonight. Not to say there aren’t such things on my list, but (with the exception of one) life has shoved them to somewhere closer to the bottom than the top.

It fucking sucks. No sugar-coating on it.

That’s not to say I’m throwing in the towel. Oh, hells no. I’ve just begun to realize I need to stop beating myself up when there are stretches of days where–as much as I’d like–no words are written. Doing so just makes me cranky. No, beyond cranky. It royally pisses me off. That leads to a downward spiral of cursing things as they currently are. Which, yes, puts me in a foul mood. That’s not good for anyone. Not my hubs, not the people around me, not my dogs, not my muses, not me.

It leads to funks. Funks are bad and extremely non-productive. I don’t like funks. (Not to be confused with fudge, which I do like.)

I also don’t like things I can’t control or can’t change, and there’s a bit too much of that happening at the moment. I react to such things by putting a lot of pressure on myself to try and collect all those little bits and either whip them into submission, or alter them to be more to my liking. Neither of which is entirely possible. Doesn’t stop me from trying, though. Something else which is extremely non-productive.

I really should start meditating. It would probably help.

In any case, I have an anthology deadline to meet. I need to focus on that and not obsess over Bound in Shadow still in sitting in limbo. Forget (for now) the a whole list of short story markets I’d like to write something for, the pile of notes and chapters for the second Coinblade Chronicles book, and the two more book ideas spinning in the grey matter.

Life, as it has a way of doing, has intervened, and it’s going to take me some time to find the pattern in the chaos.

 

 

19 Comments:

  1. I’m so sorry. Just know you’re not alone. I’m having a hard time as well.
    Hoping you’ll have some time to regroup.

    I also think while behind the wheel.

    • Thinking behind the wheel helps keep me from succumbing to random bouts of road rage.

      Sorry to hear you’re having a tough go as well. 🙁 Phooey on that.

  2. It will happen for you. You’re too damned good a writer for it not to.

  3. This resonates so strongly with me. I recently got into a huge funk, and a big part of it was the way my writing was getting shoved aside because of snow days and other stuff. It can be discouraging. I’m trying to get my priorities sorted out while accepting things as they are. It’s hard.

    *awkward hugs*

    • *returns awkward hug*

      It sucks when something so important to our mental well-being becomes something forced to take a lower stance on the priority list. 🙁 I’m certain you’ll get things whipped back into order because you totally rock this writing gig.

  4. Love your brutal honesty. Funks truly suck! Still cheering you on!!

  5. Somebody once told me we needed “bad” days so we’d be more appreciative of the “good” ones. I told him I thought that sounded like flavored dog squeeze. I still think so. Not sure if that’ll make you feel any better, but I kinda get a kick outta flippin’ off dodgy logic.

    • I totally read that as ‘doggy’ logic, given the flavored dog squeeze comment. I like doggy logic.

  6. What nonsense is this? I mean, how can you possibly not find time to write? It’s like… It’s like…

    It’s like that guy who tried to convince me there was no excuse for not wining Nano two and half months after my 4th kid was born.

    He was one of those young, child- and animal-less, player types. The kind you have a feeling is never going to learn, no matter what life throws at them.

    I get you so much. I haven’t written in weeks. Maybe months. It’s just not a good season for it.

    • I know. Really. I mean, obviously if I *want* it badly enough I’ll find a way to make it happen. Who needs to eat, right? 😉
      Yep, the season just adds to the life stress at the moment. But eventually we’ll both come out on the other side.
      I hope.

  7. I hear you, friend. It’s not easy to make writing our side hustle. Winter is a good time for me because I don’t have as many outdoor chores that are added on to my normal everyday chore/job list. Spring, summer, and fall are very difficult to carve out the time. I still get up early to get some writing in, but it’s never enough. I need more than that 1.5 hours before the kids are up and I’m in Mom mode.

    I know you’ll hit your stride. Use those camping excursions for inspiration. Being outside and away from technology really spurs creativity!!

    • Yes, winter is definitely the best season as far as time. I used to try and get some writing in before I left for work, but that time has been gobbled up by bottle lambs and extra morning chores. Of course, with the Hubs retiring at the end of this week, I’m passing morning chores to him so maybe I can reclaim a half hour or so. Better than nothing.

  8. I understand that feeling, Kathi. I reorganized my existence so that I could write full time, but I still have to work part-time as a teacher for income. I used to beat myself up all the time when I couldn’t get it all done. Then I took this amazing book launch course and got a great piece of advice. “Do 2 marketing tasks a week. In a year you will have done 104 things for your book.” That’s Tim Grahl’s brilliance. I think it applies to writing too. Sometimes life happens and income generating jobs take precedence over the writing. But if you can do 2-3 writing tasks a week–it counts and it all moves you further toward that goal. Hugs.

    • That is some great advice, Kourtney!! Thanks so much for sharing it. I’m going to try to remember that. ‘Try’ being the key word. 😉 Part of my problem is that I am entirely too impatient. I want things to happen quicker. I want to be able to MAKE them happen when they’re not. I really need to learn to just let go of what I can’t control.

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